I decided to leave Facebook and am not sure I can. I know I'm only writing this for myself and those who understand what that means. I'm torn between trying to justify doing what I feel might be the right thing and staying in what is a familiar place of refuge; communion with like minds under duress, in outrage, and in joy and gratitude. Sharing experience, strength and hope. On the one hand, I feel like a hypocrite for staying there. I feel I'm held hostage by corporate corruption and greed. On the other hand, that's all in my mind: Of course I'm held hostage by corporate corruption and greed. I always have been and will be. There's no escaping it. We can only pretend we're not. Unless we're completely self-sufficient, divorced from societal conditioning and its tangible benefits - unless we are separate - how can we not be? It's like those who complain about paying taxes and then walk out the door and take advantage of all the things taxes pay for. There are dozens. Or those who complain about "paying for other people's insurance" when that's exactly how insurance works and they benefit from it when they're in need. Or those who say, "I don't need anyone." Yes, I feel like one of those idiots. Though I know I'm not. I don't know.
I do know there are those who share my frustration. So many have made compelling arguments for staying. I haven't felt like this since I was teaching yoga asana and not practicing while we were in the hospital for three months during my son's illness. For whatever reason, I couldn't get on a yoga mat. I knew I needed to take care of myself so I could be there for my family to take care of them, but I was trapped off the mat. I eventually came to realize that my practice had evolved. It was service to my family. It was finding other ways and places to look inside, to breathe consciously. It was counting the steps from the car in the parking lot to our hospital room - somewhere around 600, I never could finish, I always got distracted - and that, eventually, I'd show up on the mat again. It was, as my teacher reminded me, just showing up to see what showed up. It wasn't a crime to teach from rote, to teach what I was not practicing. Teaching is being of service, too, even if you aren't always capable of living or practicing what you teach. You teach the ideal. You strive for and share what you know to be attainable. Some say not to pretend what you don't feel. I disagree. Sometimes your body and soul need to be shown how to smile by listening to the muscles of your face. Sometimes all we can do is pretend. Act as if. Of course we have to be careful what we pretend to be, as we see by who our leaders are. And pretending is a complex condition, a concept misunderstood by those who a) don't do it for a living or, b), don't have any self-awareness or understanding of the difference between not trying and simply being. That's another subject. But maybe it isn't. I don't know.
My need to make a statement is at odds with my need to share the statements I make and recognize and discuss statements made by like minds and kindred spirits. Which one brings us closer to being true to ourselves? I don't know. Maybe I do.